I spent most of my night watching YouTube videos. I was trying to quell the shouting inside me, to calm my heart's anxiety. If I can just make myself giggle at a stupid movie preview, I won't have to think about all the things I don't understand. If I can watch cute guys smirking at the camera every time they tell a joke, I don't have to wonder if I'll ever find someone. When I spend my time wondering if anyone has updated their Facebook status since the last time I checked it 30 seconds ago, I don't have to learn how to have real relationships without being afraid of baring too much of my fragile heart. I don't have to beat myself up about my mistakes and limitations. I don't have to be frustrated that the church as a whole seems to not "get" Jesus. I don't have to wonder about my place in a world that doesn't care about the hungry, the poor or the beaten down. When I fill my mind with flashy videos and blaring music I don't have to think, or wonder, or hurt.
Until the computer shuts down.
When the screen goes blank, I lie in the darkness. I think, I wonder, and I hurt for myself and the world. Then, out of that same black night comes a reminder. "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God." Then I think about my peers who go hang out under the bridge with their homeless friends every Friday. I think of my loved ones who love me back, no matter how confused and awkward I am. I remember my preschoolers who tell me I'm pretty and genuinely mean it (they haven't yet learned the art of the little white lie). I consider people and groups who work very hard for equality for those whom Jesus would call "the least of these." And I know that my future in this world is a guaranteed success as long as I listen to my ever-present companion. It may not be the popular definition of success, but it will be the right one. And it will be good.
Nighty night!
